i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
you inspire me to be a worse person
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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