I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
