textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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