I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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