i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
