Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Randomize
