I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
He poured the shots. We did them together. I cheersd him out of the shower
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Randomize
