You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
