Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
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