Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
