She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Randomize
