You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
