As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
