U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
