It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
I'd just like to inform you. That when I was at bvj the first day I was blackout drunk by noon. Get on past Chelsea's level like now. Do it for present Chelsea
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
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