I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I'm spring cleaning all of the fuck boys out of my life.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
