Having a random hookup so left but love u
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize