Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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