so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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