u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
You must be buzzed on Miller Lite.. Zen master advice is flowing
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
