got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
