Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize