Define "chronic" masturbator.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
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