i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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