suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I fill condoms, not promises.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
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