so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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