I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
