so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize