Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
