You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
