I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
