i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
