Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize