how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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