i don't plan on having that self control this summer
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
