i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
