I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
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