and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Randomize
