U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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