Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
