My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
