Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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