You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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