Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
this beer tastes like vomit already
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Nothing like the soothing screaming of your neighbor getting boned while eating a pizza on the front porch.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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