wrigley field is MILF paradise
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
