I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
