we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
