a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Randomize
