So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Randomize