You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Your cock deserves a montage
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
