they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
Randomize
