hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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