You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
