i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
Randomize
