I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
He said he loved me more than Kel loves orange soda
the result of growing up in the '90's
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Randomize
