she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
Part of my treatment is getting high and having sex with 22 year olds. I have a prescription!
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize