Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
