biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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