this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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