I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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