You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
