and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
