Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
I think the threesome was inevitable when she walked out in nothing but his boxers followed by him completely naked.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
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