My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
Fuckin wine wasted last night. Found my pants in the toilet this morning.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
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