You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
