Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
Randomize