It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Hooked up to multiple episodes of Even Stevens last night. What the fuck.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
