some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
