Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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