can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. π
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Oh and itβs been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! ππππ¬π³π
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