I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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