Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
